“I am an independent women and I don’t want anyone trying to control me!” Sounds a bit egoic, doesn’t it?
I felt this way a few weeks ago; however, I learned a huge lesson about control recently. I’ll relate this vignette then discuss my new insight.
My new partner and I went to Stonehill winery in Missouri. It was so beautiful, and we ate at a delicious German restaurant. We tasted the wines in hope of drinking them for the remainder of our weekend. As we were in line to buy our chosen wines, I went to get a wine glass with the winery name on it.
This isn’t something new on my winery visits. When I go to a winery, I buy a souvenir glass with the winery's logo on it. I enjoy having a collection.
As I was reaching for the glass, my new boyfriend of six months told me not to get the glass. I said “Why?”
He said, “Don’t get it because you will not be able to take it on the plane and we don’t want to check bags in.” I listened and instantly felt myself feel reactive. At that moment I didn’t actual react but put the wine glass back.
When we were in the car, I felt a bit of anger in myself. I told him, “You just tried to control me and no one controls me. I am not someone you can control. If I want a wine glass, then I will very well get one.” (As I drive away without the glass!)
It was a reaction not a response. Once I cooled off and reflected on this, I saw it as funny. People can be controlling, and the wine glass issue could have been controlling, or there may have been a valid point there. There is a fifteen dollar charge for checking in bags now on the airline we flew back on. Either way, it didn’t matter.
The point is that when we react to things like this, we are not clear because we have an emotional charge. I reacted because I have a fear of being controlled. This situation brought an awareness to something deep within me that needed to be dealt with.
Looking back on the situation, it wasn’t about being controlled at all. If I really wanted to get the wine glass, and if I had a hold of myself, I would have had the winery send it to me. However, I didn’t have enough presence to even think of this because of my reactive state.
What I learned through this experience is the only reason we feel like someone is controlling us is because we are not in control of ourselves. No one can control us if we have a firm rein on ourselves—if we are solid in ourselves.
After calming down and realizing I had reacted, on the same day at the second winery, I bought a souvenir glass! :)
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Good for you!! Hmmmmm....for what, you might ask?? For being present when you decided to buy the souvenir glass!! :)
ReplyDeleteGood for you, for seeing the gift of a lesson presented in that situation. Too many people would have remained angry, let it affect their new relationship, and that would have become a magnet for more similar situations that could lead to the demise of the relationship. His words could also be looked at as not controling you, but caring for and loving you. Had you of bought the glass, then later been faced with how to get it home, it could have caused un needed stress or arguments. Or, the glass may have gotten broken which could have led to a small heartbreak within yourself. Maybe, not fully understanding the importance of the glass collection to you, he just figured it easier to just leave it as his attempt to protect and love you.
ReplyDeleteEither way, the insight and eye opening life lesson presented to us from the smallest or largest of situations is sometimes the hardest part; and you were sucessful!
I too struggle with feeling like I'm being controlled in certain situations. Thank you for the wonderful truth about feeling that way because we are not in control of ourselves. Looking back at situations that totally rings true!